Who I Want To Be

Who I Am

Since I was in the 6th grade I’ve been in a constant war with myself and lying to myself about who I am. I wanted so badly to be considered apart of the crowd. That destroyed me most. From every social media website I was on I have tried entirely too hard to fit in. Saying and doing things that was so far from who I am. I still am growing and so you are. I found comfort in my culture. Knowing that I had place and that I was more than just a black girl that went to a white high school. To know that I had an identity that wasn’t mirroring my peers is my greatest achievement towards bettering my self esteem. I wasn’t always happy with myself granted who doesn’t have days where we feel a little bad about yourself. But when you go months and years hiding from the mirror or staring in the mirror just so change can happen then its no longer who you are it become what are you. You aren’t living, I was not living. I was pretending and social media killed me it did MySpace didn’t hurt me as bad as twitter did but boy did it hurt me. I use social media in regards to times in my life because during those years that was my everything. I made social media my life and my insecurity. My gorgeous friends growing were the star of the show on and off them and I always felt like I couldn’t compare.

“For awhile I felt that I didn’t bring anything to the table as far beauty goes. But now I know I do because I am the table.”

Maybe (Spoken Word) 

In 2009 I thought I knew

Maybe it was MySpace that pieced my head up.

Maybe it was the brand new two toned converse.

Maybe it was the twinge of freedom of a cell phone.

In 2009 I was sure I knew.

But girl what did I know.

In 2010 I was sure I knew.

Maybe it was the heat that ran through my hair at my touch.

Maybe it was the control that I lost to my peers.

Maybe it was when I made the cut and finally fit in.

In 2010 I was sure I knew.

But girl what did I know.

In 2011 I was sure I knew.

Maybe it was those inches that let me know.

Maybe it was overly edited pictures.

Maybe it was the day that I didn’t believe in me anymore.

In 2011 I was sure I knew.

But girl what did I know.

In 2012 I forgot what I knew.

Maybe it was the birds flying in lies.

Maybe it was the fair competition.

Maybe it was me.

In 2012 I forgot.

But girl what did I forget.

In 2013 I tried.

Maybe it was ripping up what I had.

Maybe it was the mask.

Maybe I wanted to know how to be just like everyone around.

Maybe I wanted to progress and out dress and not stress

act like the rest but something in me could not see what it was that was

intended for me to be.

In 2013 I tried.

But girl did I try.

In 2014 I lied.

Maybe I was scared.

Maybe it was because I was alone.

Maybe I thought I could change on my own.

In 2014 I lied.

But girl why did I have to lie.

In 2015 I was tamed.

Maybe it was those constant inches weighting on my shoulders.

Maybe it was me hiding my depression.

Maybe it was a stretch.

Maybe tamed was a regret.

In 2015 I was tamed.

But girl what is tamed?

Its 2016 and this I know.

Maybe I am tamed.

Maybe I know.

Maybe I lie.

Maybe I try.

But girl I’m who I want to be.