I consider myself to be pretty good friend. I am supportive of all of my friends dreams and accomplishments. I am right at the front of lines when they receive any accolades that they rightfully deserve. When they happen to fall short of success I am right there to pick them back up and prove to them what an awesome person they are. As for my friends appearances I never would call them fat or unattractive. I would never tell them about spaces in their teeth or that there hair could be a better texture. But, I tell myself those same awful things.
I have been blindly believing for years that I have self love. I think I would like to believe I do but in reality that is not 100% true. I am so hard on myself. So much in fact that I can’t allow myself to have human moments. Of course, we shouldn’t be rude or snap at people but we do it. But, the guilt I feel after I do get frustrated I begin telling myself how I’m not going to accomplish anything because I had a moment of weakness for being frustrated. If I get a new outfit I mentally tell myself how much better I would look if I got rid of ten to fifteen pounds. If my friends had on a cute outfit I would NEVER say “yeah its cute but your pudge really poking out in it”. Not only could that possibly hinder my friends confidence but that could hurt their feelings . Why am I so comfortable hurting my own feelings? Do I not think that my feelings have no value? Do I think I can handle the harsh criticism I give myself? My skin is only so thick. What is the line to draw when it comes to how I treat myself.
For the past few weeks I have been the hardest on myself I would say. I don’t work out like I want to. I recently moved so its still confusing to re-adjust to my surroundings and pick back up on the lifestyle that I am comfortable living. I have been”treating myself” with shopping of feeling better about not being as organized as I used to. This led to me being disappointed in the fact that I shop so much. These little things build up to me eventually not fixing the problem but almost self loathing. Which is such an unhealthy way to live an think. So a few weeks ago I started writing down in my notes on my phone.
This is from May 25th: “So today 5/25 I officially decided that I can no longer be negative. My spirit can’t handle it anymore. I went on snap chat to take a picture of how beautiful I think my skin is and I got so ashamed looking at my reflection in my camera that I just deleted the app. My face is too fat. My teeth are too far apart and I just don’t feel comfortable in my body. I feel how overweight I am. And I’m so ashamed about this. Not only do I want to change my physical appearance I want to change my mentality. I am so unbelievably mean unintentionally and intentionally. I say things I don’t mean and I say things I do mean to be mean. I wish I wasn’t that person. It doesn’t make me feel good on the inside to always be saying something negative about another person.
Or myself for the matter. Yes I have accomplished things that I thought I never would but honestly the way I live those accomplishments are just materialistic. I’m so unhappy with myself and I think it is a reflection of how I feel about my life. Today I’m declaring change. I refuse to live the unhealthy lifestyle anymore. My unnecessary toxicity towards myself and other people is hindering my growth. I’m cutting myself off from people for awhile. I’ll still keep in touch with friends but I’m not going to be glued to my phone for social media purposes. I’m done talking about people. I’m done saying mean things for absolutely no reason. I am just done with this unkind spirit that I have. My health is my own fault. I eat to make myself feel better. I don’t even feel confident to work out anymore. I am filled with so much shame for myself. But today is the turn of a new leaf. I won’t live like this anymore. Not only do my loved ones deserve the best version of myself I deserve the best version of myself. I don’t want to go back to my old looks. I don’t want to go back to a specific size or time in my life.
I can no longer live the way I do. I have to take the months to transform myself. I don’t think by next week I’ll be some super fit and super nice person. But, by Saturday next week I want to be able to say, “I haven’t said anything negative about anyone.” I want to be able to pat myself on the back for sticking to my meal prep and work out. In six months I want to look back at this day and think “wow, I really am a better person.” And even then I still want to continue to be healthier and kinder. I want to see change so I have to put in the work. “
It hasn’t been a month yet but I cat myself. I make sure that when I am being unkind about myself or other people I stop and really think about those words. The other night I was in a situation where my actions got so ugly I couldn’t sleep. I reverted back to my old ways of immediately calling myself a bitch or a bad person. Instead of just apologizing and praying. When I look back at what I wrote I feel genuine sadness of for how mentally hard I am on myself. I have been making choices about eating better and finding the confidence to get back to doing the workouts I love. Its beginning to reflect.
Cut yourself some slack. There is no reason to ever feel like you should stop improving yourself. But, there is also never a reason to tell your past self how unimpressive they are. I catch myself doing this a lot. I’ll say how bad my old writing or artwork is and think about how much that would hurt me if I knew someone was saying those things about me. If you have to think before you speak to someone else than the same applies to you, If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it at all, well guess what the same thing applies to your past and future self.