When It Hurts So Bad

“I loved real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned”

-Lauryn Hill

Since I have been in college I feel like it’s been situationship after situationship and I am pretty convinced that relationships only exist on YouTube. This is my last semester of college and I can honestly say I’ve only been in one real meet the family/post on social media type of relationship. It was train wreck end of that story. After that it would be people I “talk” to (yeah we’re gonna talk about that in a second) and it felt like I was on a one way trip to absolutely no where. Let me make one thing clear “talking” isn’t dating but it also according to Twitter ,doesn’t mean you’re single??? Yeah I’m still confused on that one. According to the world of Gen Z and those who pretend to not be a part of Gen Z, talking is basically you and another person that you are attracted to and like communicating and possibly hanging out with.

Not dating though. But while you “talk” to someone you are supposed to act as if you are in a relationship with that person. Once again this is not dating it’s just confusing and annoying. And towards the end of these little situations they are just plain hurtful. I think in these situations one person always wants a little more from the other. These situations in my opinion just take the responsibility away from the person who isn’t that invested in the other person. Because at the end of the day you technically don’t date and you aren’t in relationship. You know exactly what you signed up for so when you end up hurt. Guess whose fault it is? Yours and hurts like hell.

I was “talking” to someone for eight months. When it really hit me that we weren’t going in the direction that I hoped we were I felt like I was going through an actual break up. Then when I really realized that there was nothing to actually break I cried even more. Then I felt stupid because I should have stopped putting myself in that situation.

It becomes this private painful feeling. Because, truthfully you feel like you have no right to what you’re feeling. Maybe we shouldn’t invest so much time into people who don’t feel the same. Pouring into to someone and they walk away full and you walk away empty it, makes you feel just how much you think you lost.

“Pouring into to someone and they walk away full and you walk away empty it makes you feel just how much you think you lost. “

It makes you a little bitter, it makes you want them to feel the way you do, and all that hurt you feel suddenly becomes justified. I hate to be the person to break it to you but it doesn’t become justified. You are not wrong and you are not right. If I could offer any advice on what I have learned coming out of this experience is to not do it. You’re intentions can be very pure and you can think that you may never have feelings for a person. You make think that what you’re doing is just fun and then you turn around and you’re listening to Take Care at 2am in a dark room with a cheap bottle of wine. (I did it mind your business).

I’m just in growing time I feel. I am at a very weird age some of my friends are getting married and some can’t even cook. The growing part for me is going through these relationships and realizing that a person can either be my blessing or my lesson. Sometimes I feel God is looking at me talking to these dudes and says “It’s another lesson girl, don’t put that emoji by his name”. Like I said it really hurts but, my momma told me that if you can see yourself out of it in two weeks don’t waist two minutes on it. I never listen to that but it is true. I do think sometimes you can cry and it will suck for awhile but don’t let it make you jaded. We are way too young for that.